My friend grew up as an observer.

She was quiet and unassuming. She was also very wise (although I didn’t know it at the time). She learned early on that her shyness (as many people called it) would subject her to the wrath of the bullies and assholes of the world. Her response was a sharp tongue and a wry laugh – which mostly only pissed off her would-be tormenters. In the end, it left her, more than not, unscathed and in the background.

Her personality left her a keen observer of people. Over the years, I realized that she, more than most people, could understand and see the true self in a person. When I proclaimed someone ‘nice’ or ‘fun’ I would often be met with more astute judgements (sometimes very pointed), like, “He’s a jerk”, or ” she’s a bitch.” That would be followed by very specific details about how my friend had come to this conclusion. Usually she was right.

As we got older I realized just how insightful my friend had been. Several keys, she told me, were to watch, to listen, and to not let your emotions shape (to heavily) your conclusions. It was from the actions (and sometimes inactions) of people that she drew such excellent pictures.

In life we face issues with regards to bullying. Not just as kids, but also as adults. But as a child, bullying is so much more brutal. As adults, we’ve learned to deal with the jerks and assholes. We have developed our own methods of handling such people. But as children, it’s never easy. And the effects are far reaching. Bullying can come on so many levels. And in the 21st century, technology has given us even more tools and avenues to exploit others.

Bullying is so easy to accomplish, and kids (like adults) can be all too ready to employ forms of bullying to get what they want.

And the sad thing is that bullying is so often linked to humiliation. The worse the humiliation, the better. The crueler, the better.

And this is where my friend, so many years ago, was able to see the ‘real’ person so much more than I ever did. She watched. She listened. She saw patterns.

These are things all of us as parents need to remember.

Too often ‘good kids’ were simply not that at all.

These so called ‘good kids’ were narcissistic, plotting, a-holes. And they know it. But too often those people who SHOULD know their kids – their parents – do not. They, quite honestly, don’t really listen, and don’t really watch their kids. And most importantly, they let their emotions cloud the truth far too often – allowing their precious darlings to become a-holes they say they are not.

Parents need to be exactly that – parents. That means paying attention to their children. This means watching and listening to them. It means calling them to the carpet when they do something wrong – whether they are 7 or 17. It means they can’t ignore the signs – but instead embrace them and teach their children. Too often parents think their kids can’t possibly do anything cruel or wrong. But it’s there – in fair measure in most any kid.

Bullying in this day and age can contribute to the most terrible of things. Not that it alone is the solo cause of a tragic event. But to a child, the humiliation is beyond anything imaginable.

We as parents need to watch our children’s behavior. We can’t use excuses like ‘it’s just kids being kids’ or ‘they’re over reacting’. We can’t ignore it when our child takes too much joy in another person’s humiliation. And when another parent or student or friend says something about the less -than-perfect behavior of our ‘perfect’ child, we need to listen.

There are enough tragedies in this world – let’s not let our own ignorance contribute to them. So watch your children. Listen to your children. Work with your children. Teach them. In the end, if you’ve done well, you’ll make your child a leader, not a bully.