The Monona Rag

Dealing the Dish on Monona, Wisconsin

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What the hell are parents thinking?

Parents. I think it’s true that once you become a parent, you become brain dead. I mean, how else do you explain the things they do and say.

I whine about my parents. But I have to admit, they are not always that bad. Not when I consider some of the mentally-stunted losers I’ve met who are parents to my friends and classmates. I sometimes wonder what made some of these people actually breed. I guess alcohol or drugs or boredom played a major role. My friend Jenna’s dad – I mean, seriously, who would want to have sex with that guy? And not just once, but for a lifetime. Now I’m just getting gut-churning images in head. I have to stop on that subject.

So, just what the hell are some of these parents in Monona thinking? You’re guess is as good as mine. It’s like a disaster train gone wild.

So, here we go. Some tips for parents. Read them. Take them to heart. Most of you probably need them. Badly.

  • Dads, don’t walk around the house with no shirt on when you have visitors (and for the sake of your family, don’t do EVER). It’s just gross. It’s not cute or funny. It’s gross.
  • Moms (and dads), pick up a fashion magazine once in a while. Your hair style from 1995 isn’t working anymore.
  • Don’t make racial jokes or comments in my presence. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve been at a friend’s house and I’ve heard parents making stupid race-related comments.
  • Jean shorts and wife beaters. What the hell is up with these? Haven’t these been mocked enough for about a decade. Burn them.
  • Don’t take pride in your ignorance. Putting down things that you know nothing about is just stupid. Trumpeting these facts to the world even more so.
  • Don’t yell at the coaches or the referees at sporting events. You just look like a jerk.
  • For the vast majority of you, do not try and talk music with me. It will only end up badly.
  • Always have a copy of the Princess Bride available. No matter what happens you can play the Princess Bride and everyone will, eventually, come in and watch it. Even my stupid little brother.

See ya later, fools.

7 Comments by on November 19, 2012
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Monona Blogs on Life Support

Last month, Monona Alderman Doug Wood made official what we all knew – he was done posting on his blog – http://mononadoug.blogspot.com/

No matter what you think of Wood, he was a prolific writer. By his count, he wrote over 1,500 in about five years. It was not all political content, but instead a mixture of current events/politics with subjects that interested him. He presented a lot of great information to the public, which is always helpful.

A few years ago Monona citizens could get online and visit a multitude of Monona-centric websites, including Wood’s blog, plus sites run by school board members Peter Sobol, Jason McCutchin and Jessica Ace. Now? Not so much. Only Sobol’s is left – and he is pretty spotty with his posts, and he focuses mostly on school district related subjects.

So what happened? Are we simply out of ‘controversial’ subjects to discuss? Are people just tired of the online orgasm of arguments and counter arguments? Is the community just tired of arguing after nearly a decade of school closings and referendums?

To a degree, I suspect it’s ‘all of the above’. But also there’s a simple drag on the blog authors. Doug Wood started his blog for fun many years ago. But the fun can slowly leak out of the affair. I can sympathize. It starts to become a job. People come to expect a certain level of commitment to the affair. And then the extremists take to the comment sections, turning your job into a police action.

Personally, I have slowed down writing for many reasons. The main one has simply been family commitments. There is only so much time in the day to write. And only so much time to devote oneself to an issue. But also some of the hot button issues – especially those related to the school district – are behind us (or simmering under the surface).

So what’s the the future of Monona blogs? Are we better off without all these blogs – and their tendency to bitch and moan more than offer solutions? For us, I say no. The Rag promises to continue. I would like ideas and suggestions as to what issues you’d like covered. But we hope that other people will emerge to bring out a voice in the community. There’s nothing really devoted to the Monona community (even the Herald Independent website has gotten worse in its coverage – if that’s possible – over the years). Simple blogs by local citizens is probably the best way to highlight current and emerging issues in the city. Now, we just need those voices to step forward.

6 Comments by on September 14, 2012
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Nichols School to become state prison

The school district announced plans to sell Nichols School to the state so they can turn it into a prison.

The move coincides with the announcement that the state of Wisconsin now spends more money on the prison system than on the state’s public universities.

“It’s a good business decision,” said one local politician. “Locals make money to build the new prison. We get some permanent jobs in the area. We send the riff raff away. Win Win.”

Alex P. Bong, a spokesman for Governor Walker, said, “It’s a matter of priorities. We see the prison system as a big money maker for state manufacturers. Not just building and staffing the facilities, but providing things such as food, supplies and services. It’s part of Wisconsin’s bright future. The university system? That just gets us a bunch of liberal-indoctrinated punks who think they know better.”

The Nichols prison will be the first in the state to offer tours. Prison officials say the tour will allow visitors to watch knife fights, drug deals and flash mob training – all from behind bullet proof glass. “This will be a destination for local kids,” said Amanda Wong, a Department of Corrections official.

Officials are also excited at a proposed ‘celebrity prisoner’ exchange, allowing famous prisoners to be put on display for the public’s pleasure. “We look forward to hosting some great celebs,” said Wong. “We’re hoping to open the new facility with the all female band Pussy Riot, who were recently jailed in Russia for protesting against the Putin administration.” Wong grins and adds, “I’d love to get Lindsay Lohan in here. She’s bound to screw up again.”

8 Comments by on August 17, 2012
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Harleys for police force spur alternative considerations

Lost in all the hoopla of our 4th of July celebration is news that the Monona Police department is proposing to buy Harley-Davidson motorcycles for the force. While Harleys would be cool, I think it is important for the city to investigate alternate means of transportation for our police force.

Here are some options:

Segways

Advantage: Energy Efficient.
Disadvantage: Tough to navigate our stretch of the Beltline.

Bison

Advantage: Very good at ramming vehicles.
Disadvantage: Lots of poop. Smelly.

Unicycles

Advantage: Fun.
Disadvantage: Fun. Large learning curve.

Dirt Bikes

Advantage: Easy to cut between houses to get somewhere quick.
Disadvantage: Not as cool as a Harley.

Dragons

Advantage: Can fly. Mobile. Fast. No need to use roads. Really cool.
Disadvantage: Have tendency to eat any dogs and cats that they see. Very hard to find, much less accept job in Monona.

Finally, we are not sure where the Harley proposal is going, but rumor has it that Mayor Bob is pushing his concept for all women force.

9 Comments by on July 5, 2012
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State politicians cite small penises, revenge and inability to think for themselves as primary motivators

“My penis is so freaking small, I need to compensate by being a bully.”

Those are the words from one state senator when asked what was the most important factor in the decisions he made while in office.

The Dewan-Patrinsky Group of Milwaukee conducted the survey in May, speaking with over 400 Wisconsin politicians. Respondents range from the governor to state senators and assembly members, plus city and town mayors, and other key elected officials.

“We really tried to get a wide swath of major, publicity elected officials,” said pollster Danny Dewan. “The biggest factors in the decision making seems to lean toward insecurities from our politicians.”

Those insecurities include:

  • A small penis
  • Getting picked on by other kids while in school
  • Not getting dates while in school
  • An inability to think for oneself, causing the individual to rage at anything they can’t (or don’t try) to understand

“The small penis really came out on with men,” explained Dewan. “It seems a lot of politicians have small penises. Thus they try and prove their worth by becoming very forceful and uncompromising toward others. Not to mention vindictive.”

No dating, especially in high school, was another primary factor. “Both men and women who had troubles with girls – and frankly, that’s a lot of these politicians – exert that frustration into their decision making as a politician,” said Mary Patrinsky, who helped conduct the poll. “The survey showed a lot of these people still blame others for being ‘losers’ as a kid – and they take great joy in causing grief for others now that they have the power. They still remember the misery of not going to the prom or getting a wedgie – and they won’t let it go, and pass that misery on to others.”

Tom (last name withheld), said he enjoys, ‘shitting on others parades’, since he had it happen to him when he was growing up. “What comes around goes around,” added man, who is the mayor of a mid-sized city in central Wisconsin.

Dewan said the ‘lack’ that hounds so many politicians hurts voters. “So many of these politicians are making decisions out of spite instead of what’s right,” he said. “One state senator told me he didn’t give a damn about ‘collective bargaining’ – but he liked seeing the teachers and intellectuals squirm as they yanked away their privileges.”

“The Internet age doesn’t help,” added Dewan. “These people thrive on taking out their insecurities on others. And with the ability to play that out to thousands, even millions, of people, it only emboldens them to do such things more often and with more vigor.”

When asked what might help with the situation, Dewan shrugged. “Maybe they need to pull the stick out of their asses and smoke some weed.” He smiled at the suggestion. “No doubt many of them are arguing that having a stick up their ass is essential to the state government.”

3 Comments by on June 22, 2012
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Increase in marijuana farms in city linked to new Monona cable show ‘Backyard Gold’

An increase in the number of petite Marijuana farms detected by the Monona police has been attributed to a scandalous new daytime show on Monona cable titled ‘Backyard Gold’.

The show is aimed at the underemployed and hopes to raise money for them with a visit to their backyards and then encouraging them to grow small, high quality crops to sell at Monona’s farmers market.

“Until the show turned up at my house and started walking me through my backyard, I never realized I was sitting on such a goldmine,’ said David H., a 42-year-old resident. David owns a house with a ½ acre backyard near Nichols Street.

“I needed to raise some money to pay off my court fines and payback the loan from my mother-in-law. But cannabis production had never occurred to me before the show’s host, Travis, started explaining to me how to grow the stuff right here.”

On each show the host, Travis Winklefarski, surprises a local Monona citizen by arriving at their doorstep. The host begins the segment by finding out how much extra money the local resident can use. They then move on to the yard, where he dispenses expert advice on a variety of subjects, including seed, fertilizers and how to protect your crop from the prying eyes of local law enforcement officers. Winklefarski returns after a couple of months to help with the harvest and bag up the goods for the farmers markets or the upcoming auctions that are being planned at city hall.

“The best part is when Travis comes back to test the crop,” said 56 year-old Dana P., a retired teacher with Monona Grove School District, but now an organic farmer. “I knew I was onto a winner when Travis took a couple of big hits, slowly grinned and gave me the thumbs-up. He then said, “This is some really good shit.”

The show even helps the growers with marketing. “We are going to market my crop under the name the ‘Monona Miracle’,” said another resident, 27 year-old Peter L. “I wanted ‘Winnequah Butter’, but it is already being marketed by someone from over on Midmoor.”

The success of the show has prompted other exciting changes in the city. The Monona Library will be offering several different study arcs and circles all on growing and marketing your ‘backyard gold’. Also, the Natural Step Monona is considering making next year The Year of Hash at Home.

12 Comments by on May 10, 2012
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Monona Farmers Market opens this weekend

The Monona Farmers Market opens at Ahuska Park this Sunday, May 6. From 9 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. you can can all sorts of local produce, crafts, baked goods, jams, jellies, meats and more.

And, unlike the more famous farmers market on the square, parking is free and the walk is about 30 seconds to the market. Sure we don’t have the volume of vendors, but it’s a fine trade off.

The early market will be a bit short of produce, but things will pick up in the coming weeks.

Come support your community this weekend. I believe Mayor Bob Miller will be there to chat up people as well. There will be music, and the playground is right next to the market so the kids can have fun as well.

4 Comments by on May 2, 2012
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Monona: Fact or Fiction

On warm summer nights, my spouse and I like to make a fire in the backyard and swap stories about Monona with friends. Some of the more outrageous items have endured, so here’s the truth about a gaggle of Monona ‘facts’.

Question: Is Kathy Thomas really an undead creature seeing as she’s been on the Monona City Council for over 90 years?

The Skinny: Fiction. Kathy Thomas is really a name handed down from person to person over the last century, sort of like the Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride. The current incarnation of ‘Kathy Thomas’ has been around only about 40 years.

Question: Is Maywood School is haunted?

The Skinny: Fiction. The creepy weeping sound occasionally heard at the abandoned school is from Monona parents who stop by and lament the passing of the cutest damned school this side of the Mississippi. Go turtles!

Question: Does Monona have the biggest Memorial Day parade in the state?

The Skinny: Fact. The Memorial Day parade rocks. Go to it!

Question: Is Mayor Bob Miller a ninja?

The Skinny: Fiction. Mayor Miller is not a ninja. He is simply a contract killer for the CIA in his off hours. To call him a ninja would insult real ninjas, like Jeff Wiswell.

Question: Is former Mayor Robb Kahl a republican?

The Skinny: Fiction. Former mayor Kahl is running for the Wisconsin Assembly as a Democrat.

Question: Is Monona is famous for its friendly horses?

The Skinny: Fact. Friendly horses tend to visit Monona to meet Super Friendly Horse (who received votes in this month’s city council race!). Monona is then frequently full of friendly horses, not to mention the original Super Friendly one.

Question: Is is true the air quality at the Silver Eagle was once rated worse than Gary, Indiana?

The Skinny: Fact. Prior to the smoking ban, the amount of smoke in the air was equivalent or worse than 60s era Gary, Indiana.

Question: Is Chad Speight’s hair is a wig?

The Skinny: Fiction. Alderman Chad has a load of hair that many men can only dream of.

22 Comments by on April 19, 2012
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Homeless man wearing hoodie alarms several on Monona Drive

Composite sketch of homeless man

Police were called to local restaurant after several people expressed concerned over a bearded man wandering around the back of neighboring buildings.

“He was pretty creepy looking,” said one man, who was enjoying a burrito at La Bamba on Saturday night, when his wife pointed out the man, who was ‘lurking’ about and ‘acting strangely’.

Restaurant employees confronted the man, who said he was ‘looking for his flock’. Someone told the stranger he should go home, but the man gave conflicting responses, including ‘I have no home’ and ‘The world is my home’. The employees retreated to the restaurant after the man offered to share some wine with them.

“I think he was on drugs,” said employee Dan Sanchez.

Police were called, but the man had moved on before they could question him. A sketch artist was brought in and a composite drawing was made of the man.

“We’re looking for a homeless man in a hoodie,” said police spokesman Darrel Birch. “He had long, scraggly hair and a beard. While he has done nothing illegal or threatening, we recommend you call the police immediately. You never know what these types are after.”

 

13 Comments by on March 26, 2012
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Girls Scouts celebrate 100 years with pagan ceremonies, porn and lesbian kits

The Girls Scouts of American are 100 years old. To honor the occasion, the iconic organization has launched a series of celebratory events. Each event will include the following:

  • Pagan rituals (Satan is welcome!)
  • Cookies
  • Free condoms
  • “How to be a lesbian” kits
  • Porn
  • Discounted abortions
  • Armpit hair braiding sessions
  • More cookies

At the same time the American Heritage Girls will counter the Girl Scout celebrations with an exciting agenda of sexual repression and a Donna Reed Show marathon.

9 Comments by on March 19, 2012
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