The Monona Rag

Dealing the Dish on Monona, Wisconsin

Tag: Horse

Ole Local Politician’s Sanctuary?

Pony or Former School Board Member?

A local Monona Pony Rescue group has admitted that most of the recorded rescues over the past five years were, in fact, local politicians in ‘really convincing’ pony costumes. It also announced an immediate overhaul of its admission procedures.

“It’s quite difficult to spot a real pony from a fake one,” said a spokesperson for ‘Save the Ponies Sanctuary’. “Especially when 50 of them turn up at the gate. Our policy is to ask questions later – although with hindsight the fact that some of the animals could actually answer our questions was a bit of a giveaway.”

It seems the ‘ponies’ were actually former members of the Monona City Council and Monona Grove School Board. It appears they were having a difficult time dealing with life as a ‘normal’ citizen.

Dr. Frederick Hoffensburger of the UW Psychology Department explains. “It’s not uncommon for a publicly elected official to suffer depression and uncertainty after their term ends,” said Hoffensburger. “They are no longer called by the newspapers for quotes. Citizens stop coming by their homes. They have no email to respond to. They are no longer the star. It’s a big lose for some people.”

So why a pony? Why not some other animal?

Perhaps they are drawn to the Sanctuary by its beautiful location on the water, as well as the excellent medical facilities. “We got to walk around a small field on all fours and be stared at by visitors,” said one former member of the Monona Grove School Board. “And in stable number 3, we had Internet access, phone, and cable TV. It was pretty sweet.”

Another former local politician said he enjoyed the attention. “Kids would come up to you and give you apples and sugar cubes,” he explained. “They’d pet your back and tell you what a good horse you were. That was nice.”

Super Friendly Horse offered his take. “Everyone loves a pony,” he said. “They’re cute. They’re goofy. They’re fun. It’s not a shock someone would pick a pony as a vehicle to find love and meaning in life.”

The director of Steve’s Cat Home was sympathetic: “I understand with an animal that size how you might get tricked,” he said. “But it’s never happened to us. Well, except for that time when a particularly long-haired cat we reared for four years turned out to be someone’s unwanted child. But people do crazy things.”

Thanksgiving with Super Friendly Horse

I’m thankful to many things, including:

  • Carrots
  • The fact that Monona Drive is visible from outer space with all the new streetlights
  • The cops who let me run through stop signs on Winnequah without giving me a ticket
  • Rossi’s pizza – extra cheese
  • A healthy poop on the lawn of people I don’t like
  • A bucketful of Jack and Coke on a Saturday night at the Silver Eagle
  • Sugar cubes
  • The people who clear the snow off the lagoon each winter so I can play hockey
  • A low-cost city-run tanning salon
  • The Beatles on iTunes
  • Kids who scratch my neck and butt and give me food when no adults are looking
  • Fireworks on the 4th of July at Winnequah Park
  • Putting on the feedbag

Happy Thanksgiving!

Musings from a Super Friendly Horse

Why can’t people keep their leaves in their yard when they bring them to the curb?

Winnequah is a pretty park. All the goose poop doesn’t bother me. People should appreciate it more.

I prefer the coffee at Caribou over Starbucks.

We could use a ninja on our school board.

What does ‘Monona’ mean?

Were you disappointed in ‘Secretariat’? It just wasn’t as exciting as I thought it should be.

I would like a brew pub in Monona. In dog years, I’m old enough to buy.

‘Burritos as big as your head’ are really tasty.

My Gary Schumacher costume was really convincing this Halloween. I got lots of candy.

The people at the voting polls were very nice. Thank you.

Are there any straight roads in Monona?

The new hobby shop on Monona Drive is cool if you like motorized cars and planes.

If you see me around Monona, I like sugar cubes, apples and carrots.


Monona to consider stop sign alternatives on Winnequah

An example of a Vastu Pyramid

The Monona city council is due to discuss the state of the two stop signs on Winnequah Drive later this month. When the signs were originally installed, the plan was monitor the effectiveness of the signs, and potentially have them removed on November 1st.

But now a new option is reportedly being considered by the city.

Inside sources say that the city is close to agreeing on a plan that would allow small pyramids to be placed at 10 sites on lower Winnequah to see if their claimed positive energy can reduce speeds. The pyramids could be an addition or alternative to the stop signs,.

The details as we know them:

City officials have been meeting with an expert in Vastu. Vastu is an ancient Hindu system of construction and architecture.

The city has reportedly talked with Sushaiel Fatepurra, an expert in Vastu, and a former city planner in Bangalore, India. Fatepurra told the Rag: “I would install them at 10 locations. They won’t be on the road directly but at the corners.  They are working great within Middleton at the new Greenway Station development.”

Fatepurra believes very strongly in Vastu, and his services are being offered free of charge to the city. He said that each pyramid will be 30 millimeters in height and have a copper bottom and four smaller pyramids inside. The location of the pyramids is not being revealed at this time. “I think the high speeds and accidents are caused by our combined negative energies. So we need to minimize or convert the negative energies into positive ones,” he said. “I will energize the pyramids by transferring my positive thoughts into the pyramids.”

Can such a plan work?

“We will see in six months,” said Fatepurra. “If we get a positive result, then that’s excellent.”

“We might even consider removing stoplights on Monona Drive if these things really work,” said Monona’s police chief.

The Rag is offering a prize (an ‘I am NOT Janus Dent Masters’ T-shirt) to the first citizen to find the location of the pyramids – photos required.

If the pyramids of Sushaiel Fatepurra are rejected, the city is considering an offer to let a friendly horse wander up and down Winnequah. Passing cars would be required to stop and offer the horse – who is super friendly – sugar cubes, carrots or tasty bits of fruit. The stopping would force cars to be on alert at all times, and thus slow traffic all along the road.